Tuesday, August 25, 2015

A Big Day

Today, I dropped all four of my college classes.  These were the last four to complete my AS in Accounting and move on to pursue my Bachelor's degree.

It was a farewell to that "dream" for me so I can focus my finances fully on IVF treatments.  Let's face it, $1800 in tuition and fees could put a small dent in my medication costs. And my priorities are baby related, not degree related. 

Last term I decided that I needed to focus my time somewhere productive so I was not depressed and lethargic at home. I took action and signed up for one class, fast track, second track, summer semester. Imagine putting 8 hours a week into class time and 15 hours a week into homework....on top of a full time job and some, albeit minimal, housework and cooking. I THRIVED!  But I was unhappy. I was busy, but still unfulfilled.  I got a B. Not too shabby considering I had a tumultuous month of emotions during that time. 

So in typical ME fashion I forged ahead, signed up for more classes, and they began this week.  But today I realized the cost of doing this versus the benefit of what I receive.  And they are a little lopsided.  Quite frankly they're equally lopsided on the baby decision. There is not an amount of money I would say is TOO MUCH to have a baby. There just isn't. 

You might say I'm the woman who will pay any cost to have a baby.  I'm the woman willing to forgo one dream for another. Life is surprising. Some of our biggest choices are too. 

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Oh My Heck We Are Going to Have a Baby

CORRECTION:  OK fine, I try not to let my excitement get ahead of me....we are going to TRY to have a baby using IVF.  This was a monumental decision for our family and it came during one of the most trying times in our thirteen years of marriage.

For myself, I attempted to shut out the desire to have a baby about two years ago.  And shortly thereafter, a close friend announced her own pregnancy and I had no idea how much it would affect me.  I tried desperately to be happy for the arriving bundle but I was so jealous that sometimes I just laid in bed and dissolved into tears for hours.  I truly did not know what felt worse, knowing I was not going to have a baby, or knowing how I felt about her impending arrival...I felt so awful just for feeling jealous!

(gorgeous pregnant friend)

Rather than tell my friend how I felt, I hid it from her...and desperately tried to stay calm around my husband even though I felt one of my strongest desires slipping away.  I secretly blamed him, after all it was low sperm count and poor motility stopping our natural efforts to have a baby.  And I let that resentment build until it spilled into our marriage and even the marriages of those around us.

In my efforts to hide the fact I resented him so much I inadvertently "checked out" and just allowed myself to aimlessly go through day to day life in a sort of hazy fog...I did things I wasn't known to do.  I said things that were careless and thoughtless and at the end of the day, I was often left in a spiraling depression wondering why in the world I was even alive.

If you've never dealt with fertility issues, you might think, wow honey, put on your big girl panties and deal with it.  Accept what you cannot change.  Move on.  You're stronger than that.  You don't need that in your life.  You can live without having children.

OF COURSE YOU CAN....but I didn't want to.  And I don't want to.

So amidst a tornado of a life, swirling around dangerously entrapping those around me, I found the eye of the storm.  I found the calm.  And it was my husband.  Steadfast.  Loyal.  And never wavering in his love for me.  Unconditional he called it....I laughed...how could you love me through this?  How can anyone love me at all?  You just can't explain love.  But when it's there and you see it, I mean you open your eyes and you SEE it, it's a peace and a calm serenity I didn't know was possible.  And he held me through the tornado, he waited the storm out right beside me.

When the dust settled, I let down my guard and I sat down with my husband and I told him where I went wrong.  I explained how I kept silent when I should have been more verbal about how I felt.  I did something I haven't done in a long time, I was honest about what I wanted, no matter what feelings it invoked in my husband.  He was grateful for the honesty and the turn in our marriage.  It took a tornado to get us to see clearly.  The destruction that tornado left is almost unrecognizable but with careful planning and a solid foundation our marriage will be stronger for it.

And now we can move forward with our family planning.

Baby Maul is still a possibility....I could be a Mom!