Friday, September 18, 2015

It's Been a While

It's been a week or so since I visited my IVF Blog and it's probably because I've been focusing on allowing myself time to grieve the loss of a friend.  It will just never be the same without her.  Life is fragile and friendships are voluntary.  It is what it is, and I must move on from it.

I digress.

I want so badly to become a mother, people look at me with raised eyebrows...aren't you a mother?Well yes, I've mothered two kids with their own parents for 15 years.  But in the end, I don't have what their parents have, I don't have that unconditional loving bond that you get when you have a baby.

It's hard to watch 15 friends get pregnant, I had to shut down my FaceBook because I was so overwhelmed with sadness when I saw another weekly pregnancy update photo or another catchy announcement...and it's hard to deal with the jealousy and envy I feel.

It's hard to look inside yourself and see emotions you don't want to feel.  It's hard to accept you feel jealousy toward someone you love.

I don't mean to be jealous.

I just want a baby to love.