Sunday, October 18, 2015

Why I Hate OPK's

spent several years and several hundred dollars on PT's which resulted in BFN's every single time. It didn't matter if my period was on time, late, or early. I had that stupid test. I POS. I get BFN. My heart breaks. Next cycle, start all over. 

Because we had such great results with our initial testing, and Daddy Bun had such a drastic change in his count and motility, we decided to spend this cycle (we visited Dr. Mark on CD 11) trying naturally another month while we make the financial decisions about our journey.  

Which leads me to the OPK... A stick you have to be on every single day. The stick that leaves me with a big fat empty circle that says no you are not ovulating today. This big fat into circle reminds me of two glaring words...NOT PREGNANT. 

I'm trying to determine if I have a luteal phase defect and as each day comes with a big empty circle I relive the fear that there is something wrong.  Every time I go in the bathroom and hide for five minutes while I wait for the big empty circle Daddy Bun lays in bed with bated breath wondering am I going to come out smiling or silent?  And my silence is an answer. No. 

Just like the PT.  

Now many people are probably reading this and wondering why are you so upset that you're using an ovulation stick and getting a big empty circle. It's just a constant reminder of the time that has passed, the test that I've taken, the negatives that have come at me over and over and over and over again.

This doesn't mean I'm not pregnant, this doesn't mean I'm not going to get pregnant, this just means today I'm not ovulating. I don't know why I am taking it so hard today.