Thursday, November 26, 2015

Thanksgiving 2015

I am writing this from my office, on Thanksgiving...why?  Because I left all my recipes printed neatly on my desk...and LEFT THEM HERE!

So I though in this quiet before the whirlwind of mixing and whisking and baking that I would take a moment to tell you all what I am thankful for on in 2015.

2015 has been an eventful year, full of happiness and celebration, disappointment and loss, betrayal and forgiveness.  It might sound strange to be thankful for negative events that happened during the course of this year but I am, I am so thankful to have traveled this road because without it, I would not be here today.  I am thankful for the broken road that led me here.

I am thankful for God because without His presence, I would still be in a dark depression, wallowing in self pity and regret, refusing to face His grace out of fear and guilt.  I am thankful He did not give up on me, that he continued to tug at my heart, my soul, and my mind.  Thankful that He picked me up and dusted me off and said to me, "You are not alone.  You are loved.  You will overcome this.  You are not the mistakes you made."  God's grace is a powerful force and when you have it, and you accept it, you are free to walk away from whatever is holding you down.  Whatever it is, it doesn't matter.  He freely gives that grace, all you have to do is ask, and receive it.

I am thankful for my husband.  The most wonderful man who loves me through the emotional roller coaster that is Hunny Bunny.  I am up, I am down, I am inverted and doing loops and spins that would make even the most adrenaline starved roller coaster fan sick to their stomach.  And he rides through it all, it's like he's in the front row and he's always willing to go another ride, not even a blink, a hesitation, he doesn't even need to take a break.  I love him so much.

I am thankful for this journey, our journey.  TTC is a tough road and we've been on and off this road for years.  But here we are again, back on the road, and I am so thankful to be here, to be sharing this journey with my readers and my TTCSisters.  There are times when I'm crying, like last night when we watched a birth on TV...and I just want to hold my own baby in my arms.  There are times when I'm laughing, thinking of the lengths we will go to try for a BFP.  There are times when I'm praying, looking up to God for clarity and support and confirmation that I'm following His plan and not my own.

I am thankful for my TTCSisters, I've found such wonderful support on relevant blogs, on Instgram and on the BabyCenter Forums.  In a world where people don't know what to say, or how to react when someone is struggling with TTC, I can rest easy knowing there are women just like me out there, struggling all the same.  I'm able to reach out and support them, pass along a verse that got me through, remind them that we are all on a road and a BFN is not the end of the road, it's just a bump in the road.  Lifting others up and supporting them on their journey is a very important part of lifting my own spirit.  I am so thankful to be able to share that journey here on this blog and through any avenue I can find to share and show support.

There are so many things to be thankful for, so many people who have crossed my path, those who served as blessings and those who served as lessons.  Everyone we come in contact with has a purpose in our life, it's not an accident that people come and people go from our lives.  We must find the good in every situation, even if we cannot find good when the situation occurs.

My father died on November 21, 1997.  That year and every year after, I found the time from Thanksgiving to Christmas the hardest part of my year.  His memory and my failings as a daughter haunted me and kept me chained to the past.  This year, 18 years later, exactly double my age when he died, I let it go, I took the key to those chains that held me down and I unlocked them.  I let it go.  I forgave myself for those misguided childish mistakes.  I walked away from that girl, and walked into the woman I am right now.  And I am JOYFUL.  For the first time in 18 years, I am joyful during the holiday.  And for that I know that my Dad would be proud.  He is proud of the woman I have finally become.

So this Thanksgiving I am more thankful that I've ever been.  Even while struggling with not being pregnant and the TTC road that is full of setback and bumps, I am still thankful.  I hope you all can find something to be thankful for this year, and if you struggle, if you search deep down inside your soul and you still come up empty handed, be thankful for me.  Because I am here for you, no matter your struggle, no matter your past, your mistakes, your faults...I am still here to support you however I can.  Be thankful you have me!

       

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

My Grandma's Chicken and Dumplings

When I crafted my post for the Infamous Two Week Wait (here) I mentioned cooking as a way to keep your mind off the seemingly impossible task of not focusing on the TWW.

Let me tell y'all, I am not Betty Crocker in any way, I don't like to cook, I often fail at cooking rice and have left all rice responsibilities to Daddy Bun.  I've been known to set food on fire and blacken meat until its unrecognizable.  I mean, let's face it, I am a lot of things: creative, smart, funny, and even super cute if you ask Daddy Bun, but a cook...that I am not!

So you're probably wondering how I can confidently provide you this recipe...but I can!  I am confident you will make these and love them and they will become a staple comfort food in your home.  This recipe was passed down from my Grandma to me before she died.  It is a cherished recipe and when I eat them I remember sitting in her kitchen, watching her with wide curious eyes as she whisked and mixed what looked like nothing into something amazing.

Telephone operators and switchboard in Tallahassee, Florida.
Photo from The Florida Archives
My Grandma was one of the most amazing women I've ever met.  She was beautiful and smart and funny.  She never stepped out of her house unless she was dressed and wearing makeup and jewelry, as did many women in her day.  My Grandma was a hard working woman, spending six days a week at Southern Bell where she started as an operator and retired as a Supervisor nearly 40 years later.  We are taking about when you had to call the operator to connect you to someone y'all...the OLD days!  After my sister and I were born she retired and we stayed home with her while my parents worked...and THAT is when I watched her do the most amazing things in the kitchen.  She was classically southern and all her dishes were made from scratch but her chicken and dumplings were my favorite!

So when I'm struggling during that TWW...I pull out that recipe and remember the good ol' days.

So without further bragging on my AH-MAY-ZING Grandma, here is the recipe...

Grandma’s Southern Chicken and Dumplings
(Printable Version)
(I make this in two parts, so I broke out the ingredients into the Stock and The Dumplings)

Chicken Stock
4 chicken quarters
2 carrots cut into 2” chunks
2 stalks of celery (discard leaves) cut into 2” chunks
1 TSP Salt
Water to Cover

Place four chicken quarters in a large pot, add carrots, celery, onion, salt and pepper.  Add water until the water covers all the ingredients in the pot.  Next add 1 measured cup of water to the pot.  Bring ingredients to a rolling boil.  Once in a rolling boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for 45 minutes.

After 45 minutes, pull chicken quarters carefully from the pot and let cool for 15 minutes.

While chicken is cooling, you can strain the veggies from the stock.  Pour the stock through a strainer into a large bowl.  Then slowly strain off any chicken fat from the top of the broth using a large slotted spoon.   Measure two quarts of stock for the dumplings and save the rest for later use.  

Return the two quarts of stock to the large pot and begin separating the chicken quarters.  Pull all the meat off the bones and tear into 2" chunks. Discard all the bones and skin.  Place the chunks of chicken into the pot and return to a low simmer.  

Dumplings
2 Cups Self-Rising Flour
3/4 cup Buttermilk
1 TSP Salt
1 TSP Black Pepper
1 TSP Poultry Seasoning
1 TSP Baking Powder
1/3 cup Vegetable Shortening
¼ cup self-rising flour


Mix together 2 cups of flour, salt, pepper, seasoning, and baking powder until well blended.  Add 1/3 shortening one spoonful at a time (I do not have a mixer so this is a way to cut it into the flour mix evenly).  Mix well until it resembles round peas.  Once it is ready, start to pour in ½ cup of buttermilk and mix well.  Add remaining ¼ buttermilk slowly and continue to mix.  It will form a sticky ball of dough in the bowl.  Using remaining ¼ cup flour, sprinkle on dough and roll around in bowl until it’s not sticky.  Once it’s ready, separate into two balls of dough. 

Return to pot of simmering stock and chick and turn up to slow boil.


Sprinkle flour on your rolling surface, I use the counter.  If you do not use enough, it will stick to the rolling pin and the counter.  Roll the ball of dough until it is about 1/4” thick.  You may need to add flour from time to time to keep it from sticking.  Once it is at correct thickness, use a pizza cutter to slice the dough into 1”x3” rectangles.   Flour each side of the dumplings and drop individually into the boiling chicken stock.  Stir occasionally while you repeat the process with the second ball of flour and add individual dumplings to stock.  Let cook about ten minutes.  Remove from heat.  Let sit ten minutes to thicken sauce.   Serve and enjoy!

Did you make it??? Did you love it???  Share your thoughts below!

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

My First HSG Experience

Today was the hysterosalpingogram...yea, go ahead and pronounce that and then you'll understand why everyone just shortens it to HSG. What the heck is an HSG?  Let's give it a Google!

A hysterosalpingogram or HSG is an x-ray procedure used to see whether the fallopian tubes are open and if the inside of the uterus is normal. HSG is an outpatient procedure that usually takes less than 5 minutes to perform.

Let me tell you a little PRE-HSG advice...

1) There are tons of horror stories online, but don't let them alarm you! I've heard it's as painful as childbearing.  I never gave birth so I cannot speak to that, but if what I went through is the pain level of child bearing then I AM GOOD TO GO people!

2) You cannot do the BD/"baby dance" which is fertility code for sex prior to the HSG.  This is for two reasons.  First they want to ensure you are not pregnant and second they don't want you to get an infection.  Yes, you can get an infection if you BD prior to your HSG.  I really thought it was because they didn't want a bunch of swimmers out there interrupting everything but turns out you can't even see those suckers on the screen.  

3) TAKE TYLENOL an hour before you go!  I did not.  I should have.  I knew that information before hand and still forgot the Tylenol.  DON'T FORGET THE TYLENOL.  Take a maxi pad with you just in case you have spotting after the procedure.  Guess who forgot a pad?  THIS GIRL!


4) Finally, YES I have four hints for the HSG, make sure you can pee before the HSG.  They will want to give you a pregnancy test just to be sure they're not drowning a fertilized egg in iodine...make sure you can pee or you'll put the procedure on hold.  *I didn't have this problem, I had the opposite problem, I had to pee so bad when I got there I nearly stiff-armed the Receptionist.*

So those are my HINTS to get you to your HSG in one piece...BUT WAIT...THERE'S MORE!  



Now let's get to the GORY DETAILS!


Kidding people!  I'm just kidding! First off, Daddy Bun was not allowed to be present for the HSG so he was given the usual husband duty of holding my purse in the waiting room. "Here honey, hold this" I wonder how many times in a husband's life he will hear those words uttered and then be forced to sit with a lovely handbag, clutch, messenger bag or the like....  

I sullenly trudged off leaving Daddy Bun with clutch in hand.  To start, I was asked to remove all clothes from the waist down.  My first thought was I SPENT SO MUCH TIME PICKING THIS OUTFIT!!!  I was given a lovely paper sheet to cover my lady bits as thin as the toilet paper at Disney World.  The room was cold (of course) and not only that, in true Hunny Bunny fashion (I spill things, break things, trip on things) I tore the paper sheet.  I expected nothing less.

Into the famous stirrups I went, warming lamp comes on and makes me feel much better than the cold, shivering, goose bumpy woman with the torn sheet (a warming lamp is exactly what it sounds like, definitely takes the chill out of the lady parts).  And he reaches for my nemesis, the speculum.  I felt like it was the widest setting possible and wondered at that moment if I was capable of pushing a baby through there.  He then reaches for two cotton swabs doused in iodine to "clean my cervix".  Holy crap I thought, I have never cleaned my cervix, was it dirty?  Did it need this type of thing all along?  What does he see down there???  After cleaning my cervix he took a break to see how I was feeling...well it is certainly not the most comfortable feeling, have your insides wiped out by giant q-tips but I was ready to keep going.  

Next comes a very small catheter and contrast dye is slowly inserted through the catheter into my uterus.  This feels a lot like someone is squeezing my insides, it's not pain but it is definitely an awkward feeling and I won't be signing up for another one of those anytime soon!  As they dye fills up and flows down the tubes, the lab tech starts taking pictures of my uterus with an x-ray machine.  With all the good still inside, Dr. Mark has me roll to one side (ouch) and roll to the other side (ouch again) while they snap what I think is far too many photos.  At some point I'm wondering if I should throw up a peace sign just to see how it comes out on the x-ray photo.  By this time I am starting to be really uncomfortable and while it's still not PAIN it is really getting on my nerves.  At that moment, he removes the catheter and tells me to lie still and let it drain out.  WHAT?  Drain out you say?  Oh crap, really?  How awko is that?  I feel like I"m literally peeing my pants but I am not wearing pants.  Dr. Mark heads out to give me some privacy, besides who wants to hang out with a leaking woman..and I wait as instructed.  

This was GROSS.  I was given lots of wipes and wet wipes and (thankfully) a pad since I did forget mine.  After a few minutes I felt like I was as empty as possible and I got dressed and headed for Dr. Mark's office to get the results and discuss The Plan. 

And guess what, my tubes are OPEN and working great!  This is awesome news and Daddy Bun (who reunited me with my purse) and I are excited.  But with that comes the not so awesome news, which is I might have a polyp on my uterus.  The only way to tell is a hydrosonagram which is fancy for shooting water up your lady parts and looking at it on the ultrasound machine.  Once confirmed, it must be surgically removed before we can continue treatments.  That means no IUI, no IVF until there is no polyp.  CRAP, postponed again!  More information on that to come in a later blog.  

The worst part of the HSG was the ride home.  I was crampy and achy and without Tylenol (pay attention to my hints y'all).  Daddy Bun stopped at the store and I popped a couple Tylenol and then a couple more Tylenol.  That was 2:00pm...it's almost 6:00pm and I am still achy and crampy.  So HEED MY WORDS LADIES....take Tylenol or Ibuprofen before you get your HSG.

Don't forget your pad.  Don't forget there is no BD before the HSG and especially, make sure you shave your legs for this!!!

I shared this on Amateur Nester today for her Tuesday Linkup.  Lisa at Amateur Nester is the creater of 31 Days of Prayer During Infertility and 31 Days of Scripture During Infertility, which she JUST RELEASED!  31DofP has been my resource and devotional since I received it for a mere $4.29...that's right, ONLY $4.29!!  That is a STEAL for the information you receive in those daily devotionals!  A STEAL!  Head over to check out Lisa at Amateur Nester and read her journey.  She is anxiously waiting her daughter's arrival after YEARS of TTC. Just click the button below and BE PREPARED for the amazing experience that is Amateur Nester!


AmateurNester

OH MY HECK the OPK's Work

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!

This morning, I woke up at 6:40 to take my BBT (basel body temperature people!) and to start the whole OPK junk again.  Last month resulted in repeated big fat empty circles and I wanted to beat Daddy Bun with them for making me sprinkle on a stick every morning.  

By the way, why does ClearBlue make test strips so hard to open?  It's 6:40 in the morning, I am barely awake, and I have to tear into a test stick that is built like Fort Knox...all while holding my sprinkles?!  What a trap!  Work on that CB!  An EASY TEAR OPENING is not too much to ask when we are forking out $30 a box!

REFOCUS:  So I blindly stumble into the bathroom and sprinkle on the stick, I replace the cap and place it in sight for Daddy Bun and I return to bed.  Daddy Bun is now in charge of reading all results from my OPK's because it goes over better when he gently comes in the bedroom and says "nothing yet, I love you" and rubs my back (SUCH A KEEPER).

THIS MORNING however I hear something different, his tone is excited, he is whispering as loud as he can BABY, BABY, BABY.... and I muster the strength to see what it is and he tells me, "It's FLASHING a smiley".

I leap out of the bed and bolt into the bathroom and sure enough that thing was blinking a smiley face at me.  I stared at it, half expecting it to change to the big empty circle but it didn't.  I look at Daddy Bun and give him an enormous hug, my lady parts are working!  

I took a picture, well I took about 20 pictures because I was still not properly functioning and kept catching a blank screen.  I sent it to my mom with a DISCLAIMER that it was not a pregnancy test.  She told my brother who was super excited for us (his wife became pregnant through IUI as well so he understood the magnitude of my excitement).

Oh my heck y'all, my lady parts are WORKING!!  You would have thought I had a positive pregnancy test from my excitement.  Let's hope that happens someday!

Praying for a Big Fat Positive!



Monday, November 9, 2015

Hurry Up and Wait...



When you're TTC with MFI, I've come to find out there is a lot of waiting...and I hate waiting!  I inherited that impatience from my dad as my mother has the patience of Job himself.  Every day I have so many unanswered questions!  I was lucky enough to happen across the Community Boards at BabyCenter.com where I've found solace with thousands of other women going through MFI.  Some have female infertility issues, some have no issues at all!  There is a community of women who share my same situation and it is such a comfort to know I'm not alone.  I mean....of course I'm not alone, I have Daddy Bun right here with me on this journey.  I even have some supportive friends and family who know what we are going through....but I don't have a woman, an infertility friend, someone who is on the same journey as me, someone struggling with getting pregnant for the very same reasons...until now.

These ladies can help with questions and concerns and share advice on ways to cope.  They share stories of hope and failure, they share what has worked and what has not.  Have you ever heard the saying "Been there, done that?"  Well some of them have been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and are writing a reference manual they've been there THAT long.

The newbies waiting for an IUI or IVF transfer are called benchwarmers because we are standing by waiting for a call or a test or a "Go" from the RE.  When I was in school, I was a perpetual benchwarmer...you couldn't get me to run a mile if you put a chocolate cake at the finish line (and I LOVE CAKE).  I would have been the last person picked for any team that is FOR SURE!  SO here I sit, warming the bench again, waiting for my time, waiting in the line.

The song Waiting Line by Zero 7 is the lyrics featured above.  This is another Garden State soundtrack song, and that soundtrack is by far one of my all time favorites.  It's just another musical example of how I feel warming the bench...a motionless wheel, wasting time, in the waiting line.

Now is the time I should be practicing that patience!


Eyes Wide Shut...Daddy Bun's Ultrasounds

Today I had an opportunity to review the ultrasound diagnostic procedures Daddy Bun will be undergoing December 16 and I felt his trauma!  For any woman, having medical devices shoved in your lady parts is part of our annual exam.  It's not comfortable by any means, but after having them done for 15 or so years, you know what to expect when you see that cold metal speculum coming for you!

For Daddy Bun, the procedure, actually three procedures, covers the scrotum, testicles and prostate.  The first two, the man junk is just jellied up and the classic ultrasound device is used.  We get to see INSIDE his man junk (further references will be called MJ)  So looking at his MJ with a regular ultrasound instilled no fear in him. I told Daddy bun he would have jelly balls.  He sent me this picture and we laughed.
Daddy Bun's idea of Jelly Balls

Anyone know how you get a prostate ultrasound?  Well, let's just say the exit becomes an entrance and this invoked a fear in my husband that I've never seen.  He stopped short of running out of Dr. Mark's office screaming his head off, but I wondered if I would need to hold him by the belt loop just to be safe.  I chose the wait and see approach and he remained calm and cool.

I knew my procedures would likely be invasive but I have to say I was a little thankful I was not the only one being violated to procreate (sorry babe!).

Next SA comes on 12/02 and the ultrasounds and blood work will be reviewed on 12/16.  Anyone feel like this is taking FORRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR??

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Dr. Witt Would You Fondle These Please

I wonder if these were the words going through Daddy Bun's head as we met with the Urologist today...Good afternoon, I'm Dr. Witt, take out your junk and set it on this table please.

We arrive at Fertility CARE this afternoon to meet with Dr. Witt, the leading Urologist in the southeast US. He flies in from Atlanta to assist Dr. Mark with the male side of the infertility spectrum.  Our appointment takes place in one of the ultrasound rooms.  Already I'm wondering if he will be the one in stirrups today...and the camera is ready to send a pic to little-big brother Chris. But alas, Dr. Witt comes in and promptly puts away the stirrups. I couldn't even stifle the groan!!  Of course I piped up quickly, "Oh, no stirrups today?"  And that answer my friends, was no.  In rare form, Dr. Witt props himself on the examination table to begin the consultation.  Daddy Bun and I explain the reason for the visit *INFERTILITY* and give the short version of the events leading up to today.



INSERT SHORT VERSION:  Married 2002, Vasectomy reversal 2007, horrible sperm analysis, decline IVF based on cost, try for what seems like a lifetime, perhaps more like five years, and no pregnancy.  Give up for two years, reconvene in 2015...we roll through my ultrasound, my blood work and HERE WE ARE today!

Dr. Witt reviewed the SA from our Sample Experience, (make sure you check that awkward moment out on the blog HERE between the VHS tapes, the 1995 Tara Reid Playboy and the muffs over the head phones.) I have to say I'm not looking forward to another one of those days...well aside from the Photo Opportunity to get Daddy Bun in a pair of tyvex covered headphones in front of a 13 inch tube TV with built in VCR.  After reviewing the SA, he asked me to leave the room so he could perform a quick examination of my husband.  I thought briefly, REALLY?  You want me to leave the room so you can look at my man's junk?  I've seen that before you know...I was the one in charge of aftercare when he had the reversal so I'm pretty familiar with the intricate details of the male anatomy.  But I thought may the exam was more in depth that I was prepared to see...so I obliged and left the room.

Dr. Witt quickly figured out which side was reconnected in the reversal and which was not, so now we know he has a good left side and a disconnected right side.  Even with only one good side, we still have a chance but it will require blood work and ultrasounds to see if IUI is still, in fact, the procedure we should be performing.  Then he hit me with a swift punch in the gut, the ultrasound is to be performed on December 16.  This means the December IUI will not be performed.

STOP THE PRESS....WHAT DID YOU SAY?  DECEMBER 16?  But I'm supposed to do an IUI during my December cycle.  I can't do an IUI if we still have pending procedures.  My heart sank faster than a mob hit tied to a chained piece of concrete in the Hudson Bay.  I swear I left a piece of my heart in that ultrasound room.

The rest of the visit was sort of a blur. I was there, present in body but my mind escaped.  I call that a gift and a curse. I can be present, standing right and front of you but be completely void of myself.  It's a practiced ritual to save myself, from myself.  Also known as "checking out".  The words come through my lips but I'm not the one speaking them.  My head nods in agreement but it's not me controlling it.  It looks just like me, but it's not me.  Daddy Bun saw it happen, saw me fade right out.  He was left with an empty vessel that looked just like his Hunny Bunny.  He took over, managing the next appointment and next SA.  Paid the $250 bill for the consult and we walked out to the truck to start the journey home.  I felt defeated.  I rode in silence for a long time.  He just endured the ride with me.  He always endures with me.  He is my rock, my life partner, my friend, my confidant, my love.   


It was at that moment, as I looked to my left at the man driving me home, the man who loves me through pain and heartache and suffering that I remembered this verse, just spoken to me a few days prior by a dear friend.  "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  

These words brought me out of the darkness and spiraling negativity I was feeling.  These words checked me back in.  These words will carry me through this.  God has a plan for us.  And it may not be in my timing.  But I said YES to his plan, and He will carry me through to the end.  There are plans for the Buns.  We have hope from God and a future.  Maybe not December.  But there is a future.  And we will get there together.  Stronger, smarter, and in good faith.

So it was not the visit I wanted, but it was the visit I needed.  
And with that knowledge I will carry on. 
I will wait for His timing.
And I will know whatever happens...
It was a special plan for Us.  

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

I Am...

I am a writer.

I've been writing for as long as I can remember...stories, journals, yearbook pages, newspaper articles, and now this blog.  Whether I'm happy or sad, lonely or loved, I find solace in getting the feelings out of my head and onto a piece of paper or virtual paper.  Keeping things bottled up has never served me well so I learned to write it down, thereby releasing the feelings from me.  It can be a relief, it can bring fear, it can bring comfort.  But it's my way to deal with whatever I'm feeling.  As long as I'm writing I am moving through whatever it is I feel.  My words serve as reminders of places I've been, feelings I've felt, and of things yet to be.  Writing gets me through the storms and it carries me to the calm.  So when I'm down and out or when I'm up and away, I'm writing.  It's a huge step to take my feelings and share them with the world but writing is my passion.  It's my calling and it's what I was meant to do.  I no longer fear what others think about me.  I no longer hide behind a painted face and pretty words.



I am broken and mended and broken again. 
I use my writing to piece those broken parts together, 
my words are like glue, stained and dark from my past.  
But  I am mended.  
I am loved as I am, with each of those fractured pieces of myself.  
I am loved.  
So I write and I will continue to write. 
 It is my passion. 
This is who I Am.



The Eraser

Do you ever wish you could just pick up an eraser and take select portions from your life and literally erase those events?  Just a big pink eraser, a little scrub-scrub and POOF, it's gone!  

Oh boy I wish I could do that, I wish I could erase a million parts of my life whether they be small or large. But I don't have that eraser. I don't have the ability to go back and undo damages I've caused or take back mistakes I made. It's just not possible. 

God has that big eraser and he is willing to scrub scrub those mistakes right out...and it's not LITERALLY eradicating them from existence, but it pretty much the closest thing.  But we still have a a part in that erasing...it's up to us to accept his forgiveness and let it go, but for me THAT is my hardest battle.  God has forgiven me for my past mistakes, yet I still find myself dwelling on those mistakes and allowing them to drag me down, even after that eraser!  

Now I'm not foolish, I realize that while God has forgiven me, and some of those affected by my mistakes have forgiven me, I still have to forgive myself.  And I'm just not there yet. I'm not to the point of applying that same forgiveness to myself.   


My Biggest Mistake:
Allowing jealousy and envy to consume me so fiercely, I lost myself.  And worse, I lost someone, one of my strongest allies, someone who depended on me, leaned on me, relied on me. Someone I loved as my own. And I will never get that relationship back, it is irretrievably broken.  And no matter what forgivenes is bestowed on me, I cannot get that back.  

So I am supposed to move forward. Look ahead. Leave the past behind me, but if I do that, I leave that person behind too. And I don't want to let go...
Those are Lyrics from Let Go, by Frou Frou...found on the soundtrack from the movie Garden State. Words I speak and recommend others to follow, words I have never actually followed myself. 





So I will try again to let go, stop writing my tragedy, unwrap the bubble wrap I've encircled around me, and jump in to the forgiveness I am still waiting to get, the forgiveness from myself.  I am battered, beaten, abused, by my own hand. And letting go of that is a battle I face every day when I wake up. Tomorrow is a new day. A new chance. I will keep trying.  

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

What Do You Mean Cycle Day 01??

Frustration and sadness and disappointment are just three words that come to mind as I was gifted on my birthday with the start of a new cycle which means NOT PREGNANT!

Of course I knew in my mind that I wouldn't be pregnant but there is some sort of disconnect between my heart and my mind because that pesky little heart of mine pounds out...THIS...COULD...BE...IT!

But it was not.  And so it goes...we start again.  I think this is especially difficult for Daddy Bun because he is the one picking up the pieces of my nearly forgotten broken heart (thanks Chris Cornell for that lyrical goodness) and carrying the burden of supporting me through the hormonal change and the disappointment of the start of a new cycle.  He has to deal with the rise and fall of my emotional state which can be a real test of patience and sanity.

We start next cycle with real medical intervention.  But I've got another 28 days to get there.  So here we go again...

Monday, November 2, 2015

Philippians 4:8

I got a birthday card today from the ladies at the office with Philippians 4:8 on it and it was the PERFECT day to receive that card.  God places people in your life for a reason and He has a way to put me back into the proper perspective when I start to fall back into darkness, especially by using those around me.  I was feeling very sad and unfocused today and these were the exact words I needed to read to put everything back in place for me.  A reminder that I need not dwell on the mistakes of my past and I should instead focus on the good that surrounds me.  


That's right y'all.  It's my birthday today and I'm 36 years old.  Did you know starting around age 35 women start having cycles where they don't release an egg?  No egg =  no baby.  

Some other increased risks for those TTC after 35 include:

  • Miscarriage
  • Down’s syndrome and other genetic disorders
  • premature delivery
  • Twins
  • Delivery by c-section

I have to say it's hard to smile at those risks.  It's hard to think "Happy Birthday" when you're hitting that age bracket.  So just in time, I received that card to remind me not to focus on the the negatives, focus on the POSITIVES!

I read those words, big and colorful and think wow, NONE of that is me at all.  True, honest, lovely...nope not this girl.  I think...I will always be a failure, I will not succeed and I don't even deserve to succeed.  But I have to refocus those negative feelings and emotions, I have to accept that YES I DO DESERVE TO SUCCEED, push aside the negativity, think on the good things.   

So this birthday I will think on lovely things, I will think on joyful things, I will think of good things!