Thursday, November 5, 2015

Dr. Witt Would You Fondle These Please

I wonder if these were the words going through Daddy Bun's head as we met with the Urologist today...Good afternoon, I'm Dr. Witt, take out your junk and set it on this table please.

We arrive at Fertility CARE this afternoon to meet with Dr. Witt, the leading Urologist in the southeast US. He flies in from Atlanta to assist Dr. Mark with the male side of the infertility spectrum.  Our appointment takes place in one of the ultrasound rooms.  Already I'm wondering if he will be the one in stirrups today...and the camera is ready to send a pic to little-big brother Chris. But alas, Dr. Witt comes in and promptly puts away the stirrups. I couldn't even stifle the groan!!  Of course I piped up quickly, "Oh, no stirrups today?"  And that answer my friends, was no.  In rare form, Dr. Witt props himself on the examination table to begin the consultation.  Daddy Bun and I explain the reason for the visit *INFERTILITY* and give the short version of the events leading up to today.

INSERT SHORT VERSION:  Married 2002, Vasectomy reversal 2007, horrible sperm analysis, decline IVF based on cost, try for what seems like a lifetime, perhaps more like five years, and no pregnancy.  Give up for two years, reconvene in 2015...we roll through my ultrasound, my blood work and HERE WE ARE today!

Dr. Witt reviewed the SA from our Sample Experience, (make sure you check that awkward moment out on the blog HERE between the VHS tapes, the 1995 Tara Reid Playboy and the muffs over the head phones.) I have to say I'm not looking forward to another one of those days...well aside from the Photo Opportunity to get Daddy Bun in a pair of tyvex covered headphones in front of a 13 inch tube TV with built in VCR.  After reviewing the SA, he asked me to leave the room so he could perform a quick examination of my husband.  I thought briefly, REALLY?  You want me to leave the room so you can look at my man's junk?  I've seen that before you know...I was the one in charge of aftercare when he had the reversal so I'm pretty familiar with the intricate details of the male anatomy.  But I thought may the exam was more in depth that I was prepared to I obliged and left the room.

Dr. Witt quickly figured out which side was reconnected in the reversal and which was not, so now we know he has a good left side and a disconnected right side.  Even with only one good side, we still have a chance but it will require blood work and ultrasounds to see if IUI is still, in fact, the procedure we should be performing.  Then he hit me with a swift punch in the gut, the ultrasound is to be performed on December 16.  This means the December IUI will not be performed.

STOP THE PRESS....WHAT DID YOU SAY?  DECEMBER 16?  But I'm supposed to do an IUI during my December cycle.  I can't do an IUI if we still have pending procedures.  My heart sank faster than a mob hit tied to a chained piece of concrete in the Hudson Bay.  I swear I left a piece of my heart in that ultrasound room.

The rest of the visit was sort of a blur. I was there, present in body but my mind escaped.  I call that a gift and a curse. I can be present, standing right and front of you but be completely void of myself.  It's a practiced ritual to save myself, from myself.  Also known as "checking out".  The words come through my lips but I'm not the one speaking them.  My head nods in agreement but it's not me controlling it.  It looks just like me, but it's not me.  Daddy Bun saw it happen, saw me fade right out.  He was left with an empty vessel that looked just like his Hunny Bunny.  He took over, managing the next appointment and next SA.  Paid the $250 bill for the consult and we walked out to the truck to start the journey home.  I felt defeated.  I rode in silence for a long time.  He just endured the ride with me.  He always endures with me.  He is my rock, my life partner, my friend, my confidant, my love.   

It was at that moment, as I looked to my left at the man driving me home, the man who loves me through pain and heartache and suffering that I remembered this verse, just spoken to me a few days prior by a dear friend.  "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  

These words brought me out of the darkness and spiraling negativity I was feeling.  These words checked me back in.  These words will carry me through this.  God has a plan for us.  And it may not be in my timing.  But I said YES to his plan, and He will carry me through to the end.  There are plans for the Buns.  We have hope from God and a future.  Maybe not December.  But there is a future.  And we will get there together.  Stronger, smarter, and in good faith.

So it was not the visit I wanted, but it was the visit I needed.  
And with that knowledge I will carry on. 
I will wait for His timing.
And I will know whatever happens...
It was a special plan for Us.