Thursday, November 26, 2015

Thanksgiving 2015

I am writing this from my office, on Thanksgiving...why?  Because I left all my recipes printed neatly on my desk...and LEFT THEM HERE!

So I though in this quiet before the whirlwind of mixing and whisking and baking that I would take a moment to tell you all what I am thankful for on in 2015.

2015 has been an eventful year, full of happiness and celebration, disappointment and loss, betrayal and forgiveness.  It might sound strange to be thankful for negative events that happened during the course of this year but I am, I am so thankful to have traveled this road because without it, I would not be here today.  I am thankful for the broken road that led me here.

I am thankful for God because without His presence, I would still be in a dark depression, wallowing in self pity and regret, refusing to face His grace out of fear and guilt.  I am thankful He did not give up on me, that he continued to tug at my heart, my soul, and my mind.  Thankful that He picked me up and dusted me off and said to me, "You are not alone.  You are loved.  You will overcome this.  You are not the mistakes you made."  God's grace is a powerful force and when you have it, and you accept it, you are free to walk away from whatever is holding you down.  Whatever it is, it doesn't matter.  He freely gives that grace, all you have to do is ask, and receive it.

I am thankful for my husband.  The most wonderful man who loves me through the emotional roller coaster that is Hunny Bunny.  I am up, I am down, I am inverted and doing loops and spins that would make even the most adrenaline starved roller coaster fan sick to their stomach.  And he rides through it all, it's like he's in the front row and he's always willing to go another ride, not even a blink, a hesitation, he doesn't even need to take a break.  I love him so much.

I am thankful for this journey, our journey.  TTC is a tough road and we've been on and off this road for years.  But here we are again, back on the road, and I am so thankful to be here, to be sharing this journey with my readers and my TTCSisters.  There are times when I'm crying, like last night when we watched a birth on TV...and I just want to hold my own baby in my arms.  There are times when I'm laughing, thinking of the lengths we will go to try for a BFP.  There are times when I'm praying, looking up to God for clarity and support and confirmation that I'm following His plan and not my own.

I am thankful for my TTCSisters, I've found such wonderful support on relevant blogs, on Instgram and on the BabyCenter Forums.  In a world where people don't know what to say, or how to react when someone is struggling with TTC, I can rest easy knowing there are women just like me out there, struggling all the same.  I'm able to reach out and support them, pass along a verse that got me through, remind them that we are all on a road and a BFN is not the end of the road, it's just a bump in the road.  Lifting others up and supporting them on their journey is a very important part of lifting my own spirit.  I am so thankful to be able to share that journey here on this blog and through any avenue I can find to share and show support.

There are so many things to be thankful for, so many people who have crossed my path, those who served as blessings and those who served as lessons.  Everyone we come in contact with has a purpose in our life, it's not an accident that people come and people go from our lives.  We must find the good in every situation, even if we cannot find good when the situation occurs.

My father died on November 21, 1997.  That year and every year after, I found the time from Thanksgiving to Christmas the hardest part of my year.  His memory and my failings as a daughter haunted me and kept me chained to the past.  This year, 18 years later, exactly double my age when he died, I let it go, I took the key to those chains that held me down and I unlocked them.  I let it go.  I forgave myself for those misguided childish mistakes.  I walked away from that girl, and walked into the woman I am right now.  And I am JOYFUL.  For the first time in 18 years, I am joyful during the holiday.  And for that I know that my Dad would be proud.  He is proud of the woman I have finally become.

So this Thanksgiving I am more thankful that I've ever been.  Even while struggling with not being pregnant and the TTC road that is full of setback and bumps, I am still thankful.  I hope you all can find something to be thankful for this year, and if you struggle, if you search deep down inside your soul and you still come up empty handed, be thankful for me.  Because I am here for you, no matter your struggle, no matter your past, your mistakes, your faults...I am still here to support you however I can.  Be thankful you have me!