Wednesday, November 4, 2015

The Eraser

Do you ever wish you could just pick up an eraser and take select portions from your life and literally erase those events?  Just a big pink eraser, a little scrub-scrub and POOF, it's gone!  

Oh boy I wish I could do that, I wish I could erase a million parts of my life whether they be small or large. But I don't have that eraser. I don't have the ability to go back and undo damages I've caused or take back mistakes I made. It's just not possible. 

God has that big eraser and he is willing to scrub scrub those mistakes right out...and it's not LITERALLY eradicating them from existence, but it pretty much the closest thing.  But we still have a a part in that's up to us to accept his forgiveness and let it go, but for me THAT is my hardest battle.  God has forgiven me for my past mistakes, yet I still find myself dwelling on those mistakes and allowing them to drag me down, even after that eraser!  

Now I'm not foolish, I realize that while God has forgiven me, and some of those affected by my mistakes have forgiven me, I still have to forgive myself.  And I'm just not there yet. I'm not to the point of applying that same forgiveness to myself.   

My Biggest Mistake:
Allowing jealousy and envy to consume me so fiercely, I lost myself.  And worse, I lost someone, one of my strongest allies, someone who depended on me, leaned on me, relied on me. Someone I loved as my own. And I will never get that relationship back, it is irretrievably broken.  And no matter what forgivenes is bestowed on me, I cannot get that back.  

So I am supposed to move forward. Look ahead. Leave the past behind me, but if I do that, I leave that person behind too. And I don't want to let go...
Those are Lyrics from Let Go, by Frou Frou...found on the soundtrack from the movie Garden State. Words I speak and recommend others to follow, words I have never actually followed myself. 

So I will try again to let go, stop writing my tragedy, unwrap the bubble wrap I've encircled around me, and jump in to the forgiveness I am still waiting to get, the forgiveness from myself.  I am battered, beaten, abused, by my own hand. And letting go of that is a battle I face every day when I wake up. Tomorrow is a new day. A new chance. I will keep trying.