Thursday, December 31, 2015

Goodbye 2015

Before I get all serious I want to know how many of you in the Blogger World sit down at the computer to type and the music from Doogie Howser, MD....because I SO HEAR THAT MUSIC!

2015 was a year of many moments and I have to say I spent the second half of the year trying to make up for the first.

On July 25, 2015 my life changed.  I was caught between a tornado and a hurricane and I controlled the machine that started it all.  It's been five months since that day and I still find myself looking back and wondering where I went wrong, where I turned left when I should have turned right? 

But the fact is, no matter the road that got me where I am today, I am here.  I have to live with mistakes I made and reminders of those mistakes every single day.  I cannot undo the damage I've done and I cannot erase the past, and I don't want to.  That's right y'all.  I don't want to.  It sucked.  It was a horrible terrible no good very bad time.  But without it I wouldn't be here.  And here is where I needed to be.  

So as I say farewell to 2015, I want to say a few things:

I am here today because of the grace of God.  He took a Bad Girl and made her a Good Woman.  I was a mess, a Hot Southern Mess.  It literally took me falling down to my knees and praying for forgiveness and peace to get me there.  Without the grace of God I would not be here telling you this story today.  And I tell you right now, right here, that no matter where you are or what you are doing, it is not too late for you.  You too can be at peace with your life and your past.  No matter what it is.  There is no sin to great to separate you from God.

Psalm 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.  

I am not going into 2016 any different than I am right now.  I don't want to set resolutions or goals, I just want to continue this path exactly as I am going right now.  January marks the IUI, and February could be a BFP or a BFN, but I will be OK either way.  This is a marathon, not a sprint and I am in this for the long haul.  I know that my sweet hubby is scared, worried and fearful for the results of this, because he doesn't know what a BFN will do to me.  But it's OKAY.  I'll be OKAY.  I've already come to terms with that.  I'm already ready to accept whatever it is.  There was a time that IVF was our only option, and now it's not.  So whatever happens, will happen.  And I'm OK with that.  I will smile through it and I refuse to be anything less than a light to others on this journey.

Happiness is a choice.  I remember so many days I said I wasn't happy and I made no effort at all to be happy.  I expected it come.  I expected happiness to be there for me, but I was wrong.  It's a choice.  You wake up every day with a choice...a choice to embrace the day not to drown in the day.  Don't choose to drown.  If you're drowning right now, slide over to the right and email me.  I am here for you.  You are not alone.  We are NOT ALONE.  Let me help you....or at least let me try.

I'm scared.  I have built a community of friends going through the same struggles as me and I'm scared of what will happen if I get that BFP before one of you.  Will I lose a friend?  Will I seem unsympathetic to your struggle?  Will you be happy for me as I would be for you?  One of my first friends on IG was Sammy and she got her BFP!  And I am so excited for her!  I am so happy to be a friend on her journey, even if I'm still warming the bench.  You see, if we cannot be graceful when others achieve that which we desire, how can we expect that same grace to ourselves?  So I am afraid...afraid that when my time comes I will be just another BFP Announcement to hurt your heart.  I don't want to be that for you.  I don't want to be anything but graceful should I receive the gift of a BFP in 2016.

I have a prayer box, given to me by my friend Desirae, and if you need a prayer, tell me.  I am not a well versed woman of prayer, but I will put your name in that box.  And every night, I take that box and I open it and I take those slips of paper and I pray.  The best way I know to pray.  Just a conversation with God...and I would love to pray for you in 2016.  

I love the community I've become part of.  It's like a big family of people struggling with the same goal. It's a community of support unlike any other I've ever experienced.  I'm here for you on this journey, whether it's a shoulder to cry on or an excited shout for joy.  I am here and that will not change in 2016.  

So as I close this year, I remember the road that got me here, I remember those I hurt along the way, and I remember that I'm not who I was and I will never be.  

I start 2016 with a new year on paper but I am the same woman I am right now.  Struggling to get pregnant.  A beacon of light to those in the dark.  A reminder that no matter how dark your life is, there is a light.  There is ALWAYS a light.  

Baby dust to all my TTC Sisters and much love and hope for 2016 to be OUR YEAR.