Monday, December 7, 2015

Testing Patience and Perseverance

I know that God has a presence in my life and I know that God tests us all from time to time.  Sometimes he sends a test in the form of a wake up call, like he did to me last Monday when I fell and broke my foot.  I feel like that was a reminder to slow down, stop hurrying through life trying to get to the next cycle.  Stop and enjoy the time we have while we are on the journey to beat infertility.  So many times I tell myself I want this to hurry up and get me to the end, but this journey has brought me closer to God so no wonder I should slow down and just live every day to the fullest.  This was a test of my patience and perseverance.

But I am tired y'all.  My body aches in places I've never ached.  Even walking to the bathroom on the crutches has me nearly in tears.  The bruises on my palms and under my arms from the pressure of the crutches are invisible to the eye, but visible on my face as I wince in pain with every step.  My good leg, as I used to call it, is shaky and weak and gives out too easily.  I'm left fumbling and stumbling and desperately trying not to land on the broken one to keep steady.  My spirit feels broken and my positive attitude is slowly weakening with each day that passes.

And y'all, it's ONLY been a week.  There are people who do this for MONTHS!!      

This weekend Daddy Bun and I did some holiday shopping and were able to use wheelchairs at the local craft store and WalMart...otherwise I would not have even stepped out of the house.  When I called the craft store to inquire about borrowing a wheelchair you would have thought I asked the woman to move a mountain and take the ice from the top and deliver it to my door wrapped in silver foil with a song.  Was it THAT hard to answer if they had a wheelchair?  I almost cut the trip right there, but I seldom allow someone else's attitude to affect my own, much less dismay me from a shopping outing!  Onward we went as soon as I knew they had a wheelchair.

Daddy Bun is my hero y'all
Let me tell y'all, I have found a new respect for people in wheelchairs.  First of all, just getting around in a wheelchair is a difficult in and of itself.  I was being pushed along by Daddy Bun which did help, but a few times I found myself attempting to steer and wheel myself around on my own and learned that there should be a driving test for those things.  I hit more aisles and bumped more floor displays than I am willing to admit!  In addition to the poor driving and poor pushing skills, we were up against other people shopping, other people's strollers and other people's carts.  Aisle space is precious when you're in a wheelchair and there just isn't enough room for a cart and a wheelchair to pass without an effortless movement that would make a Gold Medal Ice Skater green with envy.   Also, some of the people were positively unwavering in their aisle space, I had to literally ask not once but twice, to be excused and apologize for the oversized chair that hindered their shopping experience.  Some people just stood there gawking as though they'd never seen a human in a wheelchair.  I half expected them to take out their phone and snap a pic like I was an endangered exotic snow leopard...but alas, it's just Hunny Bunny in a wheelchair y'all, nothing to see here!

We completed the task at the craft store, obtaining ribbon and a new garland for the entertainment center and some mesh for the family tree.  I was so thankful to be pushed around and not stuck limping on those crutches I nearly asked hubby to offer them some money to rent it for the next few weeks.  Our next stop....WalMart.

Oh no...we can all groan together in unison...NOT WALMART....   

I am fake smiling in this photo at the entrance to WalMart.  I am also a well trained ventriloquist and through this fake smile and clenched teeth I'm telling Daddy Bun to HURRY UP I don't want a picture in the stupid chair, I am in the way, people are staring, OMG MOVE ME RIGHT NOW.  Yes all of that while seemingly appearing to smile.  It's a talent I must say!  Practice in the mirror when you finish reading this blog and you too can become a seasoned ventriloquist.  

WalMart was a NIGHTMARE.  This wheelchair was jacked up.  It took a few minutes to figure out how to get into the chair without hopping over the big basket in the front.  And what if I needed to pee and get out...I was stuck if hubby had been off somewhere doing that WalMart joy walking know, aimlessly staring at various trinkets and treasures that you just don't need?!!  Yes, that's the WalMart Joy Walk y'all.  It felt like one brake was constantly slowing me down.  I tried several times to "drive it myself" but no luck, I would have been left turning circles if not for my hubby, the hero.  In addition to the wheelchair causing problems, so many people just did not care that we were at the mercy of a wheelchair and the space we were taking up was not our fault, but the fault of the manufacturer of the wheelchair with the basket locking me in place.  The number of times we went around the aisles just to avoid some lady or gentleman that didn't understand the word "Excuse me" or just did not care was astounding.  

I could feel my positive energy literally draining from my body with each passing second...I started to get temper started to rise...I could feel a meltdown starting as we finished the shopping and checked out at the register.  Just as we were leaving, climbing out of the borrowed wheelchair from Hell, and I stood waiting for hubby to drive up with the truck, I thought to myself....God, are you testing my patience here?  I need you to loan me  a little of that peace you sprinkle from time to time.  Please God, give me peace from this struggle, I prayed.  I must keep moving forward.  I cannot let this take me down....I will not let this take me down.  I remembered this verse from James:

This could heal in weeks, it could heal in months, I might need a pin in my foot, I might need a cast.  I just don't know yet.  But I know that I have God beside me and my husband beside me, so I'm going to be OK y'all.  I am going to be OK.

I'm sharing this on Amateur Nester today for the Tuesday Linkup.  I love that Lisa over at Amateur Nester gives us an opportunity to share our posts on her site.  Take a moment to visit Lisa, she's got such an amazing spirit and her posts always inspire my walk with God.  Don't forget to check out her 31 Days of Prayer During Infertility and 31 Days of Scripture During Infertility e-books she has available!