Thursday, January 21, 2016

A Hard Day at the House of Buns

I wanted this to be our first and only IUI.  But it won't be.  I've kept my focus these past two weeks on raising others up, because it is by lifting others that we ourselves are lifted.  It carried me through the longest TWW I've ever done. But the wait is over and a new cycle is beginning. I didn't even make it to test day. 

To be honest, I started testing days ago, my first at 7DPIUI to check to see if the Ovedril trigger was still in my system. It was the first positive sign I've ever seen on a test, and it was only the lingering trigger shot that put that extra line on the test.  It made me smile, even though it was only a drug making it positive.

As days went on and the negatives remained, I started to falter a little, but didn't lose the hope until today when I started spotting. It was then I knew that this IUI didn't take. As my veins ran cold, I thought back to the nights I wore socks to bed, and I hate socks in bed. I thought of the pineapple core that tasted like tree bark, the Pom juice I choked down, the organic Brazil nuts that cost $14....I thought of the many nights I ate warm soup to keep my womb warm, the things I did right, all those things I did right. But still the IUI did not take. 

I cried, an ugly cry, one that washed away the mascara and eyeliner, the organic makeup streaked my face like paint from a battle, another battle I lost. I laid alone in my bed, curled up in a blanket, and let the tears fall freely on my pillow as I had so many cycles before. 

This was our first chance, our first real chance to get pregnant with science. And it failed this time. And I let that failure wash over me, I let it soak in my soul, in my hear, in my mind. I waited for Daddy Bun to come home, my rock. The one who has stood beside me through so many cycles, unwavering in his loyalty to me. 

No matter the hardship, he has been there for me. No matter the pain, he has stood beside me. He is my life, my love, he is an anchor, keeping me grounded and stable in the storm. He came home with a card, I could barely read the words through my tears, but it reminded me again, that he is always here for me.  He is always here for me. That is why God gave him to me, because He knew of this struggle long before we did. And He knew I would need someone with a strong and caring heart to see me through it. 

So we call tomorrow to inform FertilityCARE that we will be in on Monday for a baseline ultrasound. We will start the Letrozole and we will do this again. This is only the beginning of our journey. We will do another IUI in February.  

We did not start this journey to quit. We are not losing hope or letting this take us down. This is a marathon, not a sprint.  We knew this would not be easy. And we are okay. I had my ugly cries. I allowed it to wash over me like rain, but like any storm, there is an end, and in the end, there is a rainbow of hope. 

We hold to that hope.