Monday, February 22, 2016

Well CRAP...IUI Number Two Didn't Take

As most know already from my InstaLife, the second IUI didn't take.  Everything was perfect.  My lining was perfect, the follicles were perfect, the trigger shot was perfect, the IUI was 36 hours after trigger which is considered a perfect timing to do the procedure.  Sure my cervix was hiding and it was difficult to get the insemination complete, but it went without a went PERFECTLY.
We did everything right.
But it didn't work.  

Why didn't this work for us?   
Should we try it again?  
How many times will we do this before moving on?  
Should we just move on?  
What if that doesn't work?  
Am I ready for that?  
Can I handle more BFN's?  
Is this unexplained infertility?  
Do I suffer from the question that has no answer?  
Why can't we get pregnant?

I had a good cry about it and then swallowed my tears and smiled through the sadness.  Because some days there isn't time to be sad.  Some days you have to push it down deep into your soul and pray that it doesn't surface until you're home safe.  I'm so amazingly awesome at wearing a smile, even if I don't want to.  Is it a gift or a curse?  I guess it depends on the day.  I have developed over years of practice the ability to appear to be okay.  In fact, I've gotten so good at it sometimes I even fool myself and it's only when I'm dissolving into tears that I realize, I am not okay.

It's hard to admit that I'm not okay.  It's hard to drop down the false exterior, the painted face and the smile to show the emptiness and agony coursing through my veins.  March will mark NINE YEARS since the reversal.  Nine years I've waited, wanted, hoped, prayed, and I'm still empty. My emotions have ranged from bitter sadness, defiant indifference, renewed hope, and a numbness that only those on this journey will understand.  It's like an open wound that will never heal.  A raw, open cut that runs deeper every cycle, every BFN.

But I have to remember that HOPE is the only thing stronger than fear.  

Hope is what guides me.
Hope is what stops these thoughts tumbling from my head into my heart.  

Hope is the force behind my perseverance.  

Hope anchors my soul.

So even on the days like today, when I'm feeling lost and alone and bitter and afraid, I will let them wash over me, but I refuse to allow those feelings to take over me.  

I refuse to accept anything less than hope. 

My life is far from perfect and my smile often hides the pain. But I will never lose hope again.  I will remain hopeful and I will be steadfast in my journey.  I will get to the other side of this.  Someday, I will say that we conquered infertility.