Friday, April 29, 2016

Welcome to Our Journey to Little Bun

Infertility Blog Link Up - April 29thToday I'm linking up with one of my FAVORITE bloggers, Caroline, over at InDueTime for National Infertility Awareness Week and sharing our TTC story.  There are several ladies who are also participating so I encourage you to head on over to her blog HERE and read on.  We are still on this journey and currently awaiting my next cycle to attempt a frozen embryo transfer.

Hey y'all!  Who are we?  How did this happen?  How did we get here?  And what are we doing to change it?

Daddy Bun and I met in 2000 while working in the same shared office space for our two engineering companies.  After two years of dating, we were married in 2002 on the anniversary of our first date.  We took the plunge in Las Vegas with family and friends there to witness the day.

Daddy Bun had two kids when we got married (ages 6 and 9), promoting me immediately to Stepmom.  But he also had a vasectomy after his daughter was born.  When we married, I happily assumed the role of stepmom extraordinaire.  As time went on, I started to desire our own Little Bun.  So in 2007, Daddy Bun agreed to go back under the knife and get a vasovasectomy (reversal).  Unfortunately, halfway through the procedure the Urologist noted that only one side of his man junk was actually producing sperm....and thankfully he offered us a 50% discount on the very expensive surgery!   Our first diagnosis was TTC after VasoV with Left Side Only (LSO) producing sperm.

We actively TTC'd using charting and temping from August 2007 until midyear 2009, when Daddy Bun had his first SA (semen analysis).  With only the left side connected, we were faced with a count of about 7mil total sperm....what's normal??  Well 15mil is the lowest side of normal, up to numbers in the 200mil. range.  So we were operating at about half the LOWEST level of normal.  Based on those results, our only option was IVF.  We didn't have insurance coverage that included infertility treatments and we didn't have $25k lying around for treatments.  Defeated and deflated, we put the dream for a Little Bun on hold....indefinitely.

From 2009 to 2013 we continued to TTC naturally, in fact we tried several things including:

The "BD every day and it will happen"

The "relax and it will just happen"

The "take a vacation and it will happen"

The "look into adoption and it will happen"

The "stop trying and it will happen"

The "pray harder and it will happen"

The "just look at me right and it will happen"

The "stand on your head and it will happen"

At some point in the summer of 2013, I said forget it, this is NOT going to happen!  And within a few months, my best friend announced she was pregnant.  I could have died the night they told us at a dinner out.  I was so happy for her yet so sad for me.  It was like she took my success...and SHE DIDN'T!  Her success did not mean we failed!  But I was blind to reason and I allowed it to consume me.  It was the worst experience of my life, trying to be happy for her coupled with jealousy that it wasn't me.  I started feeling more anger and resentment at my husband for not pushing for more medical intervention.  I spiraled into depression so deep that at times I wanted to die and other times I was so reckless with myself and my family I wondered how we would make it through.  I did things that were not "me".  I behaved poorly toward my friend who was a new mother by that time.  And with every poor decision, my depression dipped further.  I thought I would never get out.

I don't even recognize the woman I was!  I wish I could say, "That wasn't me."  Ahh, but it was me, all of it, and I have to own that.  So before I continue this story I want you to know that WHAT HAS HAPPENED DOES NOT DEFINE YOU!  God allows us the freedom to make a choice.  For so long I chose sadness and resentment and anger.  And I realized that without His grace, I would continue to be the same bitter, angry, resentful woman. And I did not want to be that woman any longer! 

So keep in mind that no matter who you've been, what you've been through or the choices you've can start today fresh and new.  Every day is a chance to start over.  There is a miracle in just waking up.  Don't let that miracle go to waste on anger or negativity!    

Now, back to our Infertility Story!

So there we were, now in the middle of 2015 and I am broken, our marriage is splintering, my hopes of a baby bun are gone.  So what the heck did I do?  Probably what I should have done in 2013 when I started sinking...I turned to God.  I asked for His forgiveness.  I gave him the backpack I'd been carrying loaded down with all the emotions and situations that got me to that day.  I asked him to bring me a sense of understanding to what transpired and to help me stay focused on improving our marriage.  And with a lot of faith and prayers, God's saving grace, and a supportive partner, I did make it out of those dark days.

So in August of 2015, with renewed strength in our marriage we decided it was time to move forward.  Financially we were able to afford the treatments.  Emotionally we were prepared for the trials and possible defeat.  And together we started on this part of the journey.  And I couldn't ask for a better partner, a better friend, a better man to be on this road with me.

We started seeing Dr. Mark Trolice at FertilityCARE in Winter Park, FL.  I've had my lady bits on
parade since September 2015.

By January 2016,  we completed our first IUI.  Yes it took from September to January to complete all of the diagnostic testing and the sperm analyses to move forward.  I've linked up the posts for my HSG, the Saline Songram, and our Sample Experience from the Infertility Section of my blog.  Check them out for an in depth look into diagnostic testing for infertility and how to plan for those tests.

Daddy Bun and I went through three rounds of IUI's in January, February and March of 2016  with medicated cycles and Ovedril triggers.  None of those ended with a successful pregnancy.  I still have not seen a single BFP.  The costs were right about $8,800 by the third IUI with did not work.

As of April 2016 we are moving forward with IVF, a procedure with a higher chance of success coupled with higher costs.  This is a three month endeavor including three weeks of birth control, about 12 days of ovarian hyper-stimulation with shots twice a day, an egg retrieval where hopefully they collect enough eggs to mature and freeze and finally a frozen embryo transfer which will hopefully result in a viable pregnancy.  

We survived stims and I invite you to check out that blog post HERE.  We also did our egg retrieval last week which I haven't posted about yet though that exciting adventure will be appearing on the blog soon!  In short, we collected 14 mature eggs, 13 of them fertilized with ICSI and 6 of those fertilized eggs made it to Day 5 blastocysts and were frozen for our FET in May.  We are PRAYING this is a one time transfer and we will have a viable pregnancy and a health little bun from the FET.

Our current acronym is TTC w/MFI.  We are Hunny Bun and Daddy Bun, and we want a Little Bun in the Oven.  

Please take a moment to check out Caroline at InDueTime for several other ladies who are sharing their TTC story this week!!