Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Living a BFP Life in a TTC World

Unlike Madonna who is a Material Girl in a Material World...I'm a BFP Girl in a TTC World.

I started an Instagram in October of 2015 to share our journey and I knew that meant the good, the bad and the ugly.  Since then I've gained over 2,500 followers who come to me for advice, for hope and for a laugh during this struggle.  I know what it feels like to see a pregnancy announcement.  I know how the happiness I felt for them was diminished by the sadness I felt for myself.  I know the pain of seeing someone else's sonogram while my womb remained empty.  I know the struggle and the fear of "what if this doesn't work, what happens when I'm the last one on the bench".

I know infertility.  I know what it feels like to watch your best friend go through the pregnancy you desire at the moment you put those desires on hold.  I know how it feels to smile while dying on the inside.  I know how infertility can tear you apart and turn you into a person you don't even recognize.  Infertility has the ability to consume your marriage and your life.  I know because I've been there.

I am currently six weeks pregnant following a successful first time frozen transfer using IVF.  I should be elated and jumping for joy.  I've been struggling with the desire to share my joy over the desire to protect those who are still struggling.  I look back at the girls, my friends, my tribe...still on this journey and I feel guilty.

Guilty that it worked the first time.

Guilty that we suffer primarily from MFI and they're struggling with PCOS, Endometriosis, low embryo quality, or not ovulating...or some other diagnosis in a long list of infertility causes or even worse...undiagnosed infertility...the "we can't figure out why you're not conceiving" answer.

Guilty that it worked for me and they're still waiting.

I have successfully navigated the waters of infertility.  Now I am navigating the waters of keeping this pregnancy viable and giving birth to a healthy baby.  And I fear turning to the one place where people turn to me for support...because I don't want to hurt someone else still on this road, someone still "on the bench".

I've seen this from both angles, the "this is my journey and I earned it" as well as the "I know how it felt to watch and I won't be that way" mentality and I still struggle with somewhere in-between.

Yes, I earned this and worked hard for it, but don't we all?  

I know how it felt to watch someone else go through it, but I don't want to downplay this pregnancy.

Where is the middle?  The safe road? 

I liken this to what Ellis Grey said in Grey's  Anatomy, "The carousel never stops turning.  You can't get off".  You see, this journey is a carousel for us all.  We all get on at different times, and we might jump from carousel to carousel, but it never stops.  We never get off.  Whether it's a carousel of infertility, or a carousel of pregnancy or a carousel of parenting...it never stops turning.

So the truth is, there is not a safe road.  We all, as individuals must make a choice for ourselves.

And today I'm choosing to share my pregnancy.

I've added a new page on the blog, I didn't originally plan to have called Our Pregnancy Journey.  I'll be tracking bump pics, how I'm feeling, and YES I might even complain about morning sickness or having swollen feet.

Speaking of that, sharing the negative sides of pregnancy that is, pregnancy is not an easy journey.  I've spent the past several days sleeping in a sitting up position because of indigestion.  I don't like sleeping sitting up.  I don't like waking up on the hour to the feelings of indigestion or nausea.  I might grumble about morning sickness or the fact my pants don't fit, or whatever I'm feeling at the time.  Those feelings, the negative sides of pregnancy, shouldn't be overlooked because I struggled with infertility.  They shouldn't be diminished because there are others trying to get pregnant.  This is a true journey, encompassing all the feelings around pregnancy.  Those feelings should be embraced as a part of this new journey.  So that means I'll be exploring them...and possibly even complaining about it.  

I want everyone to know that I am still here to help you get through the infertility carousel.  I am here to cheer you on, to raise you up, to lift your spirits, to send a prayer...I'm here for all of those things.  But if you cannot be here for me, if the pain is too much, if the journey is one you're not ready to follow, I understand.  We have to do what is best for each of us on this road.  We have to guard our hearts.  It's a part of life.  Some people come into our lives for a season.  Others for a lifetime.  Perhaps our season was infertility and that season has passed for us.  I don't want to hold anyone captive on my journey....on the next carousel.

Welcome to the next carousel.  Welcome to Our Pregnancy Journey.