Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Living a BFP Life in a TTC World

Unlike Madonna who is a Material Girl in a Material World...I'm a BFP Girl in a TTC World.

I started an Instagram in October of 2015 to share our journey and I knew that meant the good, the bad and the ugly.  Since then I've gained over 2,500 followers who come to me for advice, for hope and for a laugh during this struggle.  I know what it feels like to see a pregnancy announcement.  I know how the happiness I felt for them was diminished by the sadness I felt for myself.  I know the pain of seeing someone else's sonogram while my womb remained empty.  I know the struggle and the fear of "what if this doesn't work, what happens when I'm the last one on the bench".

I know infertility.  I know what it feels like to watch your best friend go through the pregnancy you desire at the moment you put those desires on hold.  I know how it feels to smile while dying on the inside.  I know how infertility can tear you apart and turn you into a person you don't even recognize.  Infertility has the ability to consume your marriage and your life.  I know because I've been there.

I am currently six weeks pregnant following a successful first time frozen transfer using IVF.  I should be elated and jumping for joy.  I've been struggling with the desire to share my joy over the desire to protect those who are still struggling.  I look back at the girls, my friends, my tribe...still on this journey and I feel guilty.

Guilty that it worked the first time.

Guilty that we suffer primarily from MFI and they're struggling with PCOS, Endometriosis, low embryo quality, or not ovulating...or some other diagnosis in a long list of infertility causes or even worse...undiagnosed infertility...the "we can't figure out why you're not conceiving" answer.

Guilty that it worked for me and they're still waiting.

I have successfully navigated the waters of infertility.  Now I am navigating the waters of keeping this pregnancy viable and giving birth to a healthy baby.  And I fear turning to the one place where people turn to me for support...because I don't want to hurt someone else still on this road, someone still "on the bench".

I've seen this from both angles, the "this is my journey and I earned it" as well as the "I know how it felt to watch and I won't be that way" mentality and I still struggle with somewhere in-between.

Yes, I earned this and worked hard for it, but don't we all?  

I know how it felt to watch someone else go through it, but I don't want to downplay this pregnancy.

Where is the middle?  The safe road? 

I liken this to what Ellis Grey said in Grey's  Anatomy, "The carousel never stops turning.  You can't get off".  You see, this journey is a carousel for us all.  We all get on at different times, and we might jump from carousel to carousel, but it never stops.  We never get off.  Whether it's a carousel of infertility, or a carousel of pregnancy or a carousel of parenting...it never stops turning.


So the truth is, there is not a safe road.  We all, as individuals must make a choice for ourselves.

And today I'm choosing to share my pregnancy.

I've added a new page on the blog, I didn't originally plan to have called Our Pregnancy Journey.  I'll be tracking bump pics, how I'm feeling, and YES I might even complain about morning sickness or having swollen feet.

Speaking of that, sharing the negative sides of pregnancy that is, pregnancy is not an easy journey.  I've spent the past several days sleeping in a sitting up position because of indigestion.  I don't like sleeping sitting up.  I don't like waking up on the hour to the feelings of indigestion or nausea.  I might grumble about morning sickness or the fact my pants don't fit, or whatever I'm feeling at the time.  Those feelings, the negative sides of pregnancy, shouldn't be overlooked because I struggled with infertility.  They shouldn't be diminished because there are others trying to get pregnant.  This is a true journey, encompassing all the feelings around pregnancy.  Those feelings should be embraced as a part of this new journey.  So that means I'll be exploring them...and possibly even complaining about it.  

I want everyone to know that I am still here to help you get through the infertility carousel.  I am here to cheer you on, to raise you up, to lift your spirits, to send a prayer...I'm here for all of those things.  But if you cannot be here for me, if the pain is too much, if the journey is one you're not ready to follow, I understand.  We have to do what is best for each of us on this road.  We have to guard our hearts.  It's a part of life.  Some people come into our lives for a season.  Others for a lifetime.  Perhaps our season was infertility and that season has passed for us.  I don't want to hold anyone captive on my journey....on the next carousel.

Welcome to the next carousel.  Welcome to Our Pregnancy Journey.

17 comments:

  1. I am so glad you are choosing to share your pregnancy and everything related to it!! It's taken you a while to get here so you should totally be able to share this now. I can't wait to follow along.

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    1. I'm just praying this little baby sticks, girl, I'm sitting here bordering seven weeks and a few of the girls who got BFP's along with me have received devastating news. It's so hard to not compare and let that worry me. Must keep pressing on and believe that this is our baby growing inside me.

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  2. Congratulations!!! So happy for you! You should absolutely share. Of course there's a tiny part in all of us ttc-ers (probably) that is a bit jealous or sad for ourselves, but we all have the same desire here; to have a baby. If we as ttc sisters cannot celebrate one of our own's victory, that's not good. Regardless, I'm so very happy for you and I look forward to following your pregnancy journey. Congrats again, Mama! -Cait

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    1. I understand that some people, it's not that they can't share in the celebration, its just...I guess that they hurt from the celebration and it might better serve them to not follow. So many times I see people posting about followers they lost and how it's wrong to do that once a sister gets a BFP but I just don't feel the same way about that. I feel we must guard our heart and that might include leaving a journey you've followed for a season. Thank you so much for sharing in this excitement!

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    2. You know! You've been there. You've distanced yourself from people who look at each other and get pregnant, so it is a valid feeling you have. I think anyone who gets pregnant feels this guilt because they have friends or family who struggle, so it can make it hard to revel in the excitement. :)

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  3. I feel like you HAVE found a good road though. Communication is key. The fact that you even wrote this and that you have these conflicting emotions, in my opinion, is the middle ground. It's the Catch 22 that is pregnancy after infertility. It's honestly another extension of the infertility journey, because it has been my experience that women that don't experience infertility, never truly feel the way you are, they don't feel guilty, and it isn't their fault, they just can't begin to understand what women like us have been through.

    Share away. I am so very happy to see you on this side of your journey and you have definitely have the right to tell us about every detail, even if it is complaining about morning sickness or how your clothes won't fit... :)

    Praise God you are on this side. Anyone who truly understands infertility, wouldn't have it any other way <3

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    1. Thank you Lavonne, it is definitely difficult to navigate the waters. I don't want to "rub it in" or shout it from the rooftops or post 500 pee sticks...but I will definitely be sharing every aspect here on the blog so those who are still struggling have the choice to follow the journey here. So be chceking back for Bumpdates and Sonogram Spam!

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  4. I can't wait to follow your journey! Our stories are different but you give me hope!

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    1. Thank you Aly, that just makes my heart smile!

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  5. I am sitting here at work crying ALL the ugly tears I have left (because I'm pretty sure I don't have any pretty cries left in me). This was so beautifully written my dear friend. It's hard to see the "accidental" or "first month ttc" get pregnant while we wait YEARS for pregnancy, but we don't know those people's stories either. They may have gotten pregnant like that, but how long were they struggling to find a husband who loves them for them? Their background stories are just as painful as ours, as you said, just on a different carousel. I am SO thankful that we have met on this journey and hopefully our first IUI will be a success and we can rejoice together! <3

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    1. Amen to that Amanda! We never know since Social Media is much about the highlight reel instead of the story! I am so thankful for YOU Amanda!! I am praying He blesses you with that BFP on the first round!

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  6. Love this Missy! You're going about this exactly how I imagined I would once I finally get to that point! I want to be excited and sad and frustrated about all the parts AFTER infertility because there is so much more than this season of life. Thank you for sharing your story.

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    1. You are a ROCK STAR girl and I'm so thankful to still be a part of your journey to get that little baby! I can't wait to see your BFP!!

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  7. Oh how I remember having conflicted feelings when I was finally able to jump carousels and stay there. I also decided to rejoice in my pregnancy because I had experience losses and felt like my son deserved it and so did I. People still tell me I need to stop worrying about others so much and rejoice in the blessings that come my way. Their time will come and will see how it feels to have these conflicting emotions. Excited to follow along your journey.

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    1. Thanks Jojo, I try to remember to rejoice in this blessings, this is a special moment and I'll only experience it once. I should take in every moment with joy.

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  8. I think every women who has experienced infertility and gets pregnant has this same conflict. I told my husband I would never complain about being pregnant or overly share my pregnancy posts. I really like what Destiny (@thescientificstork) on IG did, and shared a shutterfly account with pictures of her pregnancy and if friends/family would like to view them they can view them there, but she didn't want to bog her feed down of every little pregnancy thing.
    I really enjoyed the carousels example. I will definitely still follow your journey.

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    1. Destiny is such an inspiration to those who have overcome the struggle. I just love how she has taken her journey off IG.

      While I'm not sure how much will go up on my own IG page, I know that my Bumpdates and sonograms will be shared on this blog so family and followers can check it out. I also don't want to bog down my feed with sono-shot after sono-vid and bump pics and such. I have never enjoyed seeing pee stick pics followed by "sorry not sorry" posts about it!

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